Change in life is inevitable. Things do and will constantly change. Friends, family, jobs, living situations, mental state. Change.
I’ve never been good at adapting to change. I try to avoid it at all costs. I like being in control and the only kind of change that I can accept, is the kind that I can control myself. It's the changes that happen that are out of my control, that I have a tough time with. Being in control makes me feel powerful and capable of accomplishing anything. The second that something happens that I was unable to control, it sets panic inside of me. The debilatating anxiety comes out.
I have decided to make another change in my life and move back to Vancouver. To be back with my biggest support system, my family and friends. It’s easy to get caught up in life and not put yourself first and prioritize what is the most important. You’re mental health is truly the most important thing in life. You need to make yourself a priority. To do the best thing for yourself. Self love, and self care are VITAL.
I feel like in my recovery journey thus far, I have made a lot of improvements, but I also feel like i’ve taken a lot of steps back recently. I have put myself and my recovery at the bottom of my list of priorities, when truly it still needs to be first. I haven’t done any of the things I have learned to help myself feel and be better. Being too ‘busy” with work, has been the excuse I have been telling myself. But it is no excuse. You MAKE time for your recovery. I have recently realized that it still needs to be my number one focus and the thing I put most of my energy into. I’ve stopped attending my support group meetings. I no longer journal my thoughts and feelings. I don’t write daily what I am grateful for. I don’t acknowledge my accomplishments or engage in any self care activities, like yoga or meditating or going to the gym. I no longer pray and ask for god’s continual help on my journey in recovery and help getting me through meals. I no longer eat three meals a day or keep a food journal, as I could probably count on one hand how much I have been eating in a week. I honestly don’t think I can even say I am in recovery anymore. I’d say I am in relapse. Admitting this is honestly CRUCIAL for my recovery. I have recognized it and am wanting and WILLING to put the effort into making the changes to get back on track.
Moving home is going to give me the constant support that I need to get back on track. I’m tired of pretending that everything is okay, when its not. I’ve pretended for so much of my life and I want it to stop now. I hate how good of a liar that my eating disorder has made me become. I hate the person that my eating disorder makes me be. The self loathing, miserable, and exhausted human. I hate hating myself.
The positive that I can take from all of this though, is that I recognize it. I recognize that I am back to some of my old ways, and i’m doing something about it before its too late. Recovery is a journey. It’s a long ass journey, one that is much much harder then I could have ever imagined. In saying that though, I know that it’s possible to get better. I have had weeks of freedom and happiness, I know that it is possible, but I also realize that its something that I have to WORK on…. sobriety from my eating disorder will not come automatically, as much as I wish it would. It will take constant effort and hard work.
I am ready to face my recovery, once again head on, and to get back on track. I’m going to choose to look at this, not as a set back, but instead a speed bump on my road to recovery. I am ready to put in the work necessary to take care of myself again, and to get back on track. I am grateful for all of the friends I have made in Calgary, but i’m looking forward to going back home.
Never give up. Life is precious and short and you have to make the most out of every single day. You are never alone <3