To be honest with you I don’t know where to start.
In this post I will start at the beginning, if you keep following my post, you will proceed to get more of the story, so stay tuned.
When I was 10 years old, my life changed permanently. My father, who was previously a part of the Canadian Armed Forces as a bomb and airplane technician, was released earlier than he wanted due to a hereditary disease called “Ankylosing Spondylitis” (AS). AS is a form of arthritis in your spine that ends up seizing vertebrae together and causing extreme pain while seizing your lower back and neck. Since before I was even born this has effected my father and it took away what most men describe to me as “man-hood.” This disease was passed on to my older brother and I now watch him struggle on a daily basis which is incredibly hard since there is literally nothing I can do to take the pain away. This is the base of where my horrific past began.
At age 10 my father began to see another woman & this is where things headed down hill. My father was always known for being a party animal but he tried his best to set aside the life he wanted, for a life that he needed to offer to his kids. The disease got worse as I became teenager and his mental health diminished, ending in addiction. My father had no way of making enough money to feed himself, let alone my brother and I. This is when he became a main distributor of cocaine in the our area.
I beg of you, as you read this story, you do not judge my father. He was an amazing father and it’s unfortunate that his life was taken from me, at the young age of 13. Forgive me for feeling judged, but to be honest, this is the first time I am publicly sharing my traumatic past.
Before I could drive a car, I learned how to fight, and defend myself. I learned how to shoot a gun and slept with a knife under my mattress, a loaded gun beside my bed, right next to my hockey stick and baseball bat. Living in a home with constant drug use surrounding me, sounds horrific to anyone who could never imagine that life. For me, it was so normal that hostility became a part of me, maybe that’s why I tried to drown myself in sports, because if was the only pain I could feel with a positive affect.
Writing this post has complete exhausted me with emotion, so before I pull this together I have one last thing to say.
Although my father became a drug dealer, became emotionally and physically abusive and exposed me to extreme danger as a young beautiful girl, he was always honest. Since my father was so honest with me, I have lived my entire life around the truth. I’d rather hurt from the truth then feel good about a lie. That is something many of my friends couldn’t and still refuse to try to understand. I was the spark of a fire and a boisterous young woman with a lot to offer, but now I see it was me protecting myself. I used to hate confrontation, yet love to fight. Its been ten years since my father died, and it still hurts everyday.
Whenever you feel like giving up, don’t. My mother always told me “It may be scary, but you should at least try.” Maybe that’s why I am as brave as I am today.
I’ve tried to end my life, I’ve begged for help, I’ve ran away, I’ve been in abusive relationships, you name it, I’ve probably done it to grab the attention of the people who care for me to try and get me help. Why didn’t I just directly ask? I’m known to be smart and tough. The one girl who can do what ten men can do, but guess what I couldn’t ask for help.
However, I see now I never got where I am today, alone.