I never really knew the importance of finding a place or places that made you feel safe, happy or even the most alive.
I understood places that bring people joy temporary and not necessarily consecutively to cure the feelings they were feeling.
I knew deep down I needed to try and find this.
I didn't for a very long time, years in fact. And I'll admit, I may not have tried to be happy.
For me, even being in a beautiful setting wouldn't make me feel anything, I wouldn't see the beauty that place shaped. I had lost my eye for beauty and happiness that it should bring, and I lost the two biggest things that defined who I always was, and who I'm meant to still be.
I won't write my day to day struggle of being dragged from my bed, causing a fight or locking my door and not letting anyone in the only place I knew to be mine. But it wasn't a healthy or happy place. It was dark and sad, and had no life.
I put everyone in my life through a hard time, and I know that now.
But I can tell you, I found these places.
The very first time I felt alive again, was when I was walking back from the hospital after getting multiple tests done on my well being, which I already wasn't happy about being dragged to that either. I was walking back and started down a path to the beach on a little island, it was cloudy out and super windy and I don't really know why I went to the beach but I wasn't thinking very straight I was upset from earlier.
It began to cloud over bad, it got gloomy and cold and it began to rain, I started walking back, I was alone in an open island with very little trees, I started to cross the bridge to get back to the other side when it started to down pour on me. The rain hit my face, touching my cheeks and my eyes and running down from my hairline, I started to laugh uncontrollably. I honestly haven't laughed so hard in years, over the smallest and not even the most understandable thing. I was laughing over the rain.
I walked across looking up at the sky with my hands out laughing, still laughing. I began to tear up because I realized that I felt the rain, I felt something again. I felt a little bit inside me again. The rain brought me joy and happiness, I wasn't numb anymore, life sparked inside me, and I knew I would be okay. Wouldn't be easy, but I would feel everything life had for me again.
My happy place is in the rain, and it may sound crazy that I still today go out in the rain and just look up, honestly with the stupid grin but I'm so happy. And I think about the moment almost every time, I just needed to feel something and I did and now I'm here writing to you.
I do have more than one place and I would recommend having more than one. I didn't have more than one right away, but I felt that I escaped to the beach in the beginning, and I had to have gone there for a reason.
I love beaches, they are my other happy place, I can escape to them whenever I feel like it. I walk along one daily if it's not raining and even sometimes I go along the beach when it's raining. I love just touching the water and feeling the cold and it reminds me I do feel things and I'm alive inside.
You need to find these places or place. It did take me years, and I wish it didn't, but everyone struggles differently, you may need help finding them, or you may find them on your own, but make sure it makes you happy for you and not anyone else.
Be happy, find a safe place, escape to it when you ever feel like you need a little kick of life back into you. Even a little reminder "hey I'm still inside".
I promise you will laugh again, you will smile again, and will feel alive again.