EMILY GILL: I AM DIFFERENT

This blog had been a long time coming. When my World Suicide Prevention Day blog went viral, I realized that much more how important it is to be raw. I had written rough drafts of this blog a few times but after the past few weeks I felt it was time to share. 

You know that age in middle school, where its kinda of that touchy age, you either go with the party crowd or you try and make your own way to figure out who you are… that was the age it became very clear to me that I was different. I remember crying saying that I don’t fit in, and being told that thank god Emily that you don’t fit in, I know its hard right now but one day you're going to be so glad that you didn't fit in. 

God promises to make something good out of the storms that bring devastation in your life. 

For those of you that know my story more in detail, you will know that life has been far from easy for my family. Our close family and friends can tell you that there is just something about the “Gill Luck”. Looking back now, I know that in those difficult moments I was being taught to be different in order to be who I am today. I was being taught that there is a reason that I don't fit in with certain crowds, there is a reason that I care so much for anyone and everyone, and most importantly I was being prepared to go into battle for people who are struggling.

I have always had the ability to feel when someone was hurting around me. I don’t have to be told anything but I can sense that someone is being bullied, sick, in a storm or needs a friend. This is my biggest strength but also my biggest weakness. I am constantly being told that I “care too much” and I find myself biting off more than I can chew. However, I love that I have the ability NOT disability to talk to complete strangers who are struggling, that people feel comfortable enough to share their stories with me, but most importantly I love that God prepared me through great loss, and extensive pain to have the gift of compassion. 

These past few weeks have been a complete rollercoaster. My gift of compassion has been tested in full force and frankly its been exhausting. From our house being broken into and our valuables gone, to dealing with some heartbreaking news, I would be lying if I didn’t say I was struggling to see the good in these storms. There has been countless nights where I have cried, days where I have been left speechless and struggled to wrap my head around how cruel people and life can be. This is the stuff you don’t make statuses about but it’s why I am making this blog. Everyone feels that they have to hide their emotions and we can’t let anyone know we are hurting. Heaven forbid, we feel, we take off the fake masks, and we cry. If I have learned anything from being raw it is that although many people will talk about this negatively… there is a group of people tonight who are struggling, feel different, and have lost trust that need to know they are not alone. So here's to whoever is reading this, I know you feel like your heart can’t take anymore but you are strong, and you certainly don't have to hide. Remember it may not be tonight, it may not be tomorrow or the day after, but I promise you that it will get better. This isn’t coming from a girl who has a picture perfect life right now, it’s coming from a girl who’s heart is hurting too. So to all of us in battle right now, lets remember that it is good we are different because we have the ability to now help others. I truly believe, there is nothing more rewarding than using your struggles to lift others up.

In saying this, if you have not been hit with a devastation in your life yet… not just that you broke your nail but a heartbreaking situation, I hope you remember that in a split second everything can change. Life is funny that way, you never know whats going to be thrown at you. So remember to show empathy to people who are currently struggling because the money you have now, high education, or whoever your significant other is... it can be ripped from you at anytime. For goodness sake get off your high horses, strive to be somebody that makes everybody feel like a somebody because NO ONE is better than anyone. Be raw, have compassion, cry your eyes out, love hard, and remember no beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart.

I want to end this blog with a story, my hopes are that it will help those who are struggling tonight to accept that being different is a good thing. I recently went through interviews for my internship that will be completed in my final semester. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of working with children that were dying. I believe that there is nothing more inspiring than the sparkle in their eyes, their vulnerability to be raw, the way they live life to the fullest and simply love one another despite what they are going through. After many interviews from different internship offers, I was finally contacted by my dream job. I was first short listed, and then went through two interviews before I got the call on Friday that they chose me. I was in complete shock so you can imagine I cried lots when they told me. The one thing that hit me hard during the phone call, was that they told me I was chosen because of the unscripted parts of my interview. This was something that when my interview ended, I had convinced myself would be the reason they wouldn't pick me. They shared that they could tell what I was saying came from my heart and that it is clear that my passion is to help others. I think that call will stay with me for the rest of my life. This is because in moments like those I am beyond thankful for being different. Although, there comes a great deal of pain in being different, as I have been reminded in the past few weeks, I know I wasn’t offered my dream job because my GPA, resume but because of my heart. How amazing is that? On Friday, I finally figured out the reason to why I cried and felt like I didn’t fit in for so many years. It was because me being different isn’t a bad thing, it is inspiring, motivating and has determined me to move mountains in this world.

My prayer tonight is that one day you will find out why you are different, your passion and for you to know YOU ARE MORE. xo